Battle with Back Surgery
I have been silent for a while, but I finally feel like telling my story about the last eight months. For a long time, it was hard to find the words; radio silence seemed like the approach for this injury. I did not tweet, post or talk about the surgery I had to undergo. But now I am stronger, healed and ready to share. I hope you enjoy it.
After taking a year off from ski jumping after the 2018 Olympic Games, I felt a desire to ski jump again. Through my off-year, I skied, I biked, I studied and found a balance in my life that had been missing. I knew I had not been happy for some time and I was proud of myself for actually acknowledging this (it had been ignored for years) and to step back and address my mood. This off-year did indeed heal me mentally and physically (my knee needed time off too), but I still felt connected to the sport. (Check my last blog for more about falling in love with ski jumping again after the time off.) But, last spring, I wanted to try and come back to my passion and train and compete the following winter, 2020-2021.
So, that is what I did. I had zero sponsors, minimal attention and although this was hard to swing financially, I was jumping for myself. I have always been my biggest critic, so I would not say I was jumping stress free, but I did feel less pressure. I trained and jumped as I wanted, with a young team and fresh eyes. I attempted to enjoy the long flights, new walks and hills that I was traveling to. It was working, as I was happier on the ski jump. I was excited for the winter ahead.
In July, I faced some severe back spasm pain. 9.7 out of 10 pain scores; I was so close to going to the hospital, as I could not move from the gym floor due to the pain. I expressed my pain, but I was also trying to keep this on the down-low because I did not want to overreact. To be honest, I have faced some push back from professionals through my journey that have hinted that I overreact with injuries. That I make up my pain. I have been called a hypochondriac if I felt pain in my ankle because I rolled it on a run. Little comments here and there have really affected how I express injuries. This could not be more true in this scenario, as I downplayed how much pain I truly was in. I am still kicking myself for not listening to my gut last summer.
I spent a lot of time (and money) going to physical therapists, chiropractors and acupuncturists to try and address this back problem. Even doctors agreed that I had been overtraining; pushing it a little too hard and that the “muscles maxed out.” I told myself that was exactly what it was and kept going through the motions to try and get it better. I was like a sponge trying to absorb advice from any health professional that would look at me in hope I could get my body to snap out of it. This was not a good plan, as too many opinions led to an influx of information. One “medical professional” even told me I breathed wrong (six weeks after I had won the Red Bull 400 hill climb race. I’m pretty sure my cardio was doing just fine.) I literally tried everything to get my back to calm down, and eventually it did; kind of.
After about seven weeks of rest and adjustments, I was doing better and was allowed to jump. I had a trip to Norway for a training camp and I was excited to be back in Europe. But I would be lying if I said my back did not hurt the entire time. I was stretching and foam rolling, massage when I could, electrotherapy, you name it. I was trying everything I could just to keep training. It was manageable, but it was painfully annoying.
I don't really know what set it off again, but I specifically remember being on a plane back from Europe and having the worst IT band/hip tightness. I was trying to stretch in my seat and when I would stand up, I literally had ants in my pants because it was so uncomfortable to sit still. After being home for a few days, I thought it was calming down and attributed it to my tight hips and I kept training. But I was still in so much pain.
I had another training camp in Europe three weeks later. I cried while taking a shower before leaving for the airport because I was in so much pain. I took Advil, Aleve, Tylenol, Icy Hot Patches and anything else to get it to calm down. I sat down on the plane and continued to cry because it hurt so bad. I wanted so badly to be able to jump and train for the upcoming season; I didn’t know how I was going to get through this.
I was able to train when I got to Europe but it was a struggle. Technique on the jump was not coming together and I was so mentally exhausted from fighting the pain, which was less than ideal. Slovenian PT’s were blown away by how tight my back was, but had no idea what was causing it. One evening in Slovenia, I called my home PT and a sports psychologist crying and told them I could hardly sleep because the pain was so bad. I literally wanted out of my body. I was that uncomfortable.
Immediately when I got home everyone decided it was time for an MRI of my back. No one had suggested it before, but we needed an image to see what we were dealing with. The results shocked my coaches, parents, doctors and PT. They could not believe the severity of the herniated disc in L4-L5. It was so far out, you could see the pressure it was putting on my spinal column and nerves. My hips and IT were not tight; my nerve was just sending that pain to my brain because of the impingement. The second our team doctors saw that image, I was forbidden to jump. In addition to this pain, I had been slowly losing control of my right toe/ankle control. I did not have “drop foot “but it was going down that direction. This was serious.
Through collaboration with the doctors from the Mayo Clinic and the University of Utah Orthopedic Center (shoutout to their partnership with the US Olympic Committee and their incredible care) our first step was to try an injection. Short story: it did not work. Then the news was broken to me that the next step was surgery. The nerve was getting damaged and the muscles were freaking out to hold everything in place. A so-called “minor” back surgery, discectomy and laminectomy, was ordered for December 5. My training was done. My season was done. The “comeback” from my Olympic break ended just as fast as it had started.
If you know my story, you know my list of injuries is not short, and that is particularly why this hit me so hard. I was injured again. I was hurt and battered by the passion I loved so much. I sulked in my room, trying to comprehend what this meant. People had heard that I was coming back and when asked on the street, I usually lied and nodded. Not willing to say the words out loud that I would not be on the results sheet yet again. Hence the radio silence. No posts, no words, just another knife cutting into my skin.
It has been over half a year since the surgery and things are coming around. I would not put this in an easy category in terms of recovery. I found myself frustrated with how much pain I was still in! But regardless, I fought through and here we are.
As the world is at a halt, so are most athletic related activities. For me, this is working out well because it is giving me time to think and process what my next plans are. It is nice to have this time to do school, work and go through the scenarios that could play into my future. Like so many others, the next months are quite uncertain and I am trying to appreciate the time to slow down and remain distant. I hope everyone around the world is staying safe and kind towards one another as we face this global pandemic.